The Nothingness

maybe i am nothing
maybe i am something in an empty box
can’t find a reason at all
why?
for what?
i’m standing here?
still cruciating with the same question
again and again
that kept me moving in circles
with various confusing answer
eventhough, i know,
guessing is the easiest way to ease the pain
but it didn’t give me peace
and strengh
right now,
it is not the silent that i hate
it is not you
it is not me ‘maybe!?’
it is the other question
am i something?
or am i nothing?
just an useless memory of your past
do i have a meaning?
or do i left you with nothing?
just a ghost passed in your way
this is not what i wanted to be
this is why i keep taking my pills
this is why i still crying in the middle of the night
it is when i realize that
the most important thing that i lost, when i lose you
is not you
it is me
i’ve lost myself
and sadly
it is not because of you
it is because of me
it is because
i dont have my own ‘me’ before
i’m drowning in ‘you’
but foolishly proclaim that it is ‘me’
God, i’m tired of this shit!
but hey!
maybe this is one of your mysterious ways in controlling the universe
maybe i should work it out more
 to find my own reason
 to find my own meaning
 to be a real human
maybe i should have more belief
 that i’ll find another ‘you’
maybe. not maybe!
it is a MUST!
this is my final thought
i miss you
least that i can say to you
thanks, for those magnificent expirience
i wont forget it forever
goodbye
i’m alone now, and i have to accept it…

 

untuk yang terjaga hingga pagi dan nyaris mati di jalan keesokan hari,

untuk yang menangis bersama dan tertawa bersama di sore hari,

untuk yang menemani duduk sendiri di meja kantin hingga matahari pergi,

untuk yang berjalan pulang bersama hingga pintu tol dan pintu rumah yang berbeda,

untuk yang bersama-sama membuat Bakrie telecom menjadi semakin kaya,

terima kasih, kalian mendewasakan saya…

pelangi (story of my pray…)

aku masih mengingatnya…
kau datang, menyapa mesra tetes hujan di rerumputan…
ditemani mentari pagi, kau datang mengelus wajahku dengan warna-warnimu…
aku masih mengingatnya…
di sini aku berdiri, di tepi jurang yang tinggi…
mengagumi warna-warnimu, yang menghiasi cakrawala pagi…
pelangiku…
aku masih mengingatnya…
hanya ketika kau ada, aku bisa tersenyum…
hanya ketika kau tersenyum, aku bisa tertawa…
dan hanya ketika kau menunjukkan warna-warnimu apa adanya, aku merasa bahagia…
pelangiku…
aku masih mengingatnya…
hanya dengan warna-warnimu…
ketika air mata ini bergulir, hanya kau yang mampu menghapusnya…
ketika tubuh ini membatu, hanya kau yang mampu memecahnya…
dan ketika hati ini membeku, hanya kau yang mampu mencairkannya…
pelangiku…
aku masih merasakannya…
mungkin kau bisa bilang aku gila…
tapi aku tahu ini nyata…
mungkin memang hatikulah yang berbicara…
tapi otakkulah yang membenarkannya…
pelangiku…
aku tidak mau kehilangan dirimu…
karena kaulah aku bisa berada di sini, melawan semua rasa takutku…
karena kaulah aku bisa berada di sini, melepas suramku…
karena warna-warnimu…
akan kubantingkan tulangku, dan kuteteskan darahku…
hanya agar kau selalu di sini…
untukku…
hingga kau memudar…
hingga aku memudar…
hingga kita memudar, bersama…
di akhir waktu…
namun itu semua sudah berlalu sekarang…
kau sudah memudar, meninggalkanku sendiri di sini, tanpa warna…
pelangiku…
maafkanlah aku…
mungkin memang bukan aku yang berhak mengagumi indahnya warna-warnimu…
mungkin memang bukan aku yang pantas tuk menyebarkan pada dunia betapa cemerlangnya warna-warnimu…
mungkin memang bukan aku yang kau butuhkan untuk menjaga warna-warnimu…
pelangiku…
maafkanlah aku…
tak ada lagi kata tercurah…
waktu tersisa…
asa tertinggal…
hanya rasa dan kenangan…
akan keindahan dan kenyamanan yang kau berikan…
pelangiku…
maafkanlah aku…
mungkin sudah bukan hakku lagi mengatakannya…
tapi izinkanlah terakhir kalinya hatiku berbicara…
aku sayang kamu…

love poem…

Love is when you were still dancing, long after the music has stopped..
It’s like a ghost, which everyone talks about, but few have seen…
It’s the absence of fear that can make you do things that you never thought possible…
It’s knowing a person’s faults, but still loving them with no particular reason,
 more than you love yourself…
Sadly it had been coursed to be never run smooth, but still..
A real love can’t be stop, even by death, because death can only delay it for a little while…
Now, my question is “is it true that true love will always have a happy ending?”
 It isn’t true…
Real love doesn’t have a happy ending, that is because a real love will never ended…
Well, this is what love means for me…
So you’ll ask, “do you think this happens everyday?”
 Of course not…but it’s happens to me…..
Why?
 ”Coz finally i found you…”

time to forgive… (bubur story)

This midnight monologue is killing me somehow..
by realizing something means hurting myself again in different ways…
but, i feel no remorse, not at all!, it is only becoz i know,
that, this is the concequences that i must take in my life..
eventhough the pain is almost unbearable,, i know it’ll never kill me..
it’ll only goin’ to hurt me, though, it is already does..
well,,
it doesn’t mean that i’ve give up already..
but sometimes, all you need to have is only a shoulder to cry on..
to let things that you need the most in your life,
slip through your fingers..
and just continue your life after that..
and accepted that you’ve already lost,
but knowing that you’ve lost without losing you sanity and your rationalty..
hmmm..
i know, and i realize it, eventhough that i didn’t like the way this event happens,
i must admit it, that this experience makes me whole lot stronger and smarter in many ways..
and also, fundamentaly built my maturity..
for me..
eventhough its soo hard, and sometimes hate to admit it,,
it is bcoz of her quality, her personality, just bcoz the way she is..
‘i love her..’
and i’m sure, that i don’t wanna lose her, not without a fight!
but its all too late for now…
and now…
for me, after all that happens, all those deniying, all those cruciating
moments of understanding and accepting..
here we comes to an end…
tonight..
i forgive her..
and the most important is,
i forgive myself…
for what have passed behind…
no revenge motivation, nor time rewinder’s doraemon wish left..
only laugh…
and laugh that is all we’ve got left..
huhhuhu…
this is the biggest disappointment in my life, though..
this is the ultimate lesson including the ultimate jokes in my life either…
so,,
nasi sudah menjadi bubur!
mari bersama kita menyantap bubur tersebut…
seraya tertawa…
menyembunyikan tangisan di dalam dada…

sad love letter…

did i suffer a sleeping disorder called insomniac?

or am i just afraid to sleep everynight in my life and find out that you’ll not love me anymore in the morning?

or maybe, i’m just afraid to find out the answer of my “why” question?

but i’ve found out the answer, didn’t i?

that u didn’t love me anymore?

maybe that explain why i feel so numb and empty right now…

and maybe that will explain, why did every morning i wake up, tears roll down my face…

at the first, i’ve said that i don’t want to live without you, but i have no choice left…
so this means my time to be an idiot is up,

it is time for me to use my rationality, and move on…

and put you behind in my past…

but only for your information, don’t care how hard you’ve broke my heart…
you’ll be always…
my forever and ever “future wive”…

i love you…
goodbye…

now, what i need is..

new life…

new reason…

new hope…

and new love…

The Story Of My Life

i am a book…

a new empty book…

made from my past…

designed by my own will of future…

will be filled by the ink of freedom…

without no limitation of expression…

but limited only by my subjectivity…

waiting to be fulfill…

with the greatest story in the universe…

a story with an infinite possibilities…

a story with an inestimable passion of life…

“The Story Of My Life”

and now,,

Past that have been renewed, i’ll be waiting…

Present that i’m facing now, i’ll take the consequences…

Future that have been dreamed, i’ll work hard for it…

Doa Pelangi…

aku menangis ketika ku menyadari duniaku yang dulu berwarna,
kini memudar tanpa warna…
demi dia yang tidak mengerti dan meninggalkanku sendiri di sini…
aku hanya ingin kembali berwarna…
kembali merasa tulus tersenyum, atau gembira tertawa…
…tak adakah yang mau mengerti??
tolong Tuhan…di masaku beristirahat dan sejenak menjauhi dunia,,
berikanlah lagi kepadaku, warna-warni indah itu…
berikanlah lagi kepadaku, pelangi di cakrawala senja itu…
dan aku akan kembali tersenyum…
dan kita akan kembali tersenyum…
bersama…

a question about ‘how’

isn’t how can you, but how will you continue your life,
when you realize that, you can’t turn back time..
after facing the fact that there is a few question that can’t be answered,
few heartbreak and wound that can’t be healed..
no, i wont give up now, not yet,,
and i wont let this be over, ever!
but i wouldn’t say “don’t cry..”,
because not all tears are mean..
and i wouldn’t say “don’t hope..”,
because sometimes, whispers seem can be heard louder than a scream…
understand, embrace it, and get used to it…
than you can continue your life…
and forgive…